


walls i built are caving in

by CyrusBreeze



Category: Station 19 (TV)
Genre: Bittersweet Ending, Canon Bisexual Character, F/F, LGBTQ Themes, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-19
Updated: 2019-01-19
Packaged: 2019-10-12 12:44:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17467805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CyrusBreeze/pseuds/CyrusBreeze
Summary: Maya had been in love with Andy for quite some time, but she didn’t realize it until now, until she was staring at her best friend in a hospital bed.Written for Day 6 of Station 19 Week: Angst or Hurt/Comfort





	walls i built are caving in

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, um, this is gay. If you ask 90% of queer people, they will have a story of the time that they were in love with a straight person. 
> 
> This is that story for Maya. 
> 
> There’s probably medical inaccuracies in this, but I’m not a doctor, so I apologize. 
> 
> I relate hard to this, as a queer human. In fact, my current crush is on a human who is not only straight, but also, homophobic. Yeah, it’s _great_.

It was only supposed to happen to sixteen year old baby lesbians and bisexual girls who were so far in the closet they were in Narnia. It was allegedly a sapphic rite of passage, the proverbial white coat ceremony of being a women loving woman. It was something Maya Bishop had foolishly believed that she had somehow escaped. After all, her first girlfriend had been her out and proud college roommate, and subsequent crushes and relationships were always with women that she knew were queer. 

And yet, it somehow happened. 

Maya Bishop had fallen for a straight woman, her straight best friend, no less. 

Maya was in love with Andrea Herrera, and it hurt. 

Andy was painfully heterosexual; that much was clear. She was a staunch supporter, which helped (Maya wouldn’t be able to handle it if Andy was homophobic), but Andy was undoubtedly a 0 on the Kinsey scale. 

Maya had no clue when her feelings shifted from friendly to romantic. It was sometime after they graduated the academy and started working at 19, but it was before Sullivan came. 

Maya had been in love with Andy for quite some time, but she didn’t realize it until now, until she was staring at her best friend in a hospital bed. 

The doctor had listed off Andy’s injuries to the senior Herrera, and Maya had stared blankly. 

Vic asked Warren to explain that in “normal people terms,” and Warren had said that Andy’s injuries were severe, that her brain was swollen because of the impact, and the chances of her making a full recovery were difficult to estimate. She’d have to have another surgery, and then they’d be able to estimate long term damage once the swelling went town. Best case scenario, Andy made it through with flying colors and was out for 12 weeks. Worst case scenario, Warren didn’t finish, but the team understood completely. 

Sullivan was in a similar boat, but his injuries were severe enough that he wasn’t allowed visitors due to the severe risk of spreading germs. Some of sullivan’s organs were too swollen to return to his body, and visits posed a far bigger risk to him than to Andy. 

And yet, Maya couldn’t bring herself to go inside Andy’s hospital room. They were allowed in two at a time, which really meant one at a time because Captain Herrera wasn’t going to leave Andy’s side. Her team had offered her the first chance to visit Andy, but Maya shook her head fiercely. Going inside would make everything real. Watching through the glass meant that she could pretend, however irrational that it was, that this was all fake, some big prank. But once she walked inside and saw her best friend unresponsive, she’d have to face reality, and it hurt. 

“You should go in,” Montgomery prodded gently. 

The rest of the team had stepped away from the window, giving her more space. 

“I- I can’t,” Maya stuttered. 

“You need to,” Montgomery encouraged. “You’ll regret it if you don’t and she... she...” Montgomery didn’t finish, but Maya heard him loud and clear. 

_If she dies..._

Maya couldn’t afford to dwell on that thought, couldn’t afford to process her new emotions and deal with the fact that her best friend was possibly going to die. Montgomery understood loss, perhaps far more than Maya ever would. He had lost the love of his life, and Maya wondered if he struggled with the same feelings of fear. Maya wondered if he couldn’t bring himself to enter his husband’s hospital room. 

“Go,” Travis pressed. 

And so Maya took a deep breath and went inside. 

It was one thing to see Andy through a window, but up close, Andy looked so much more fragile. 

There was a tube down her throat, and her head was wrapped in white bandages. Her skin was pale and her face was completely expressionless. She looked nothing like the Andy that Maya knew. 

The doctor had said that she had to shave off part of Andy’s hair to perform a craniotomy. Andy wouldn’t be very happy about that when she woke up. _If she woke up,_ Maya’s brain reminded her harshly. 

“Hey, Andy,” Maya said softly, and she felt foolish because Andy probably couldn’t hear her. She was both comatose and heavily sedated. 

Maya stepped closer, placing her fingers on Andy’s own. 

Captain Herrera was quiet, staring blankly at Andy.

The lump in Maya’s throat seemed to grow, and she could feel tears gathering at the corner of her eyes. 

Maya couldn’t breathe, couldn’t force herself to stare at Andy’s pale face or look at the IV in her arm and chest or the tube down her throat. 

_If you hadn’t switched places with her,_ Maya’s brain whispered tortuously. 

The thought suffocated her. She didn’t deserve to be in there. 

Maya froze. She couldn’t be in here. She needed to go for a run. 

“I can’t,” she whispered to Captain Herrera by way of explanation, and then she turned and sped out the door. 

She found herself in the chapel of the hospital. The candles looked nice, almost peaceful. 

Maya took a deep, shuttering breath. 

She looked around and then paused. 

She was surprised to see Montgomery sitting on a pew near the front. She walked toward him, and noticed that his head was bowed and his lips were moving. 

Maya sat down beside him. 

Montgomery looked up momentarily, acknowledging Maya before he bowed his head again. 

The silence felt less suffocating in here, and Maya focused on the flickering candle to calm her nerves. She wanted to run. She needed to run. But right now, her feet didn’t want to leave this damned hospital. 

She needed to be here for Andy. Andy, the woman that she loved. And the thought hurt. The sudden realization was painful and raw. And Maya hated it. 

“Maya,” came Travis’s voice. 

Maya turned to look at him. It looked as if Travis had been crying. His eyes were red rimmed and his face was wet. “I didn’t know you, uh, prayed,” Maya said by way of conversation. 

Travis sighed and looked down. “I haven’t,” He said. “Not since Michael died, but I figured now would be as good a time as any to start back up again.” He spun his wedding ring around on his finger. 

Maya nodded and then turned back to the candle. 

“You love her, don’t you?” Travis said softly. 

“Of course I do,” Maya said. “She’s my best friend. We’ve been together since we were probies and now-“

“That’s not what I meant and you know it, Maya,” Travis said. 

“Yes, I love Andy,” Maya whispered. “And I think I just realized that.” 

-X-

The next week passed by in a haze. Ripley took charge as interim acting captain and Maya stepped into her role as lieutenant. 

All of her focus went into her job. She was determined to learn her role as quickly as possible. 

Maya let the beast out, and her sole focus was on doing her job. 

She only let herself feel and think when she went home. Even when she visited the hospital, she compartmentalized. 

Sullivan woke up after four days. He was coherent enough to demand status reports from his lieutenants and from Chief Ripley. His body was healing, but it was looking like he would need at least one more surgery to repair his spleen. Sullivan would be okay. 

Andy’s future was less certain, but Maya refused to entertain the idea of Andy dying. She had been admitted for a second emergency surgery to address the excess fluid in her brain. 

She had yet to wake up, but the meds they had her on we’re keeping her sedated and comatose. 

Maya still talked to her. She told her about close saves and stupid, useless calls. She told her about everything, about how difficult it was to adjust to being lieutenant, about how stressed everyone was, about how something really weird was going on with Vic, and Chief Ripley for that matter, but Maya couldn’t place it. 

Maya lived at the hospital. She stayed until visiting hours were over and she bribed several of the nurses and doctors with cupcakes, candy, and (when that didn’t work) stories of field injuries. 

She and Captain Herrera took turns. He stayed most days until Maya arrived, and then he went home and showered and slept. Sometimes Travis or Dean or Gibson or Warren or Vic cake and sat for a few hours, but Maya stayed there the longest. 

It hurt, seeing her best friend, the woman she loved, in a hospital bed. It hurt even more that even when, _if_ , Andy woke up, Maya could never, would never discuss her feelings with Andy. It would make things weird, and while dealing with unrequited love was difficult, losing Andy’s friendship would crush her. 

So Maya tried not to think about that. She tried not to fall apart. She only let herself cry in the shower when she could fall apart with no one watching when the water washed her tears down the drain and she could pretend that everything was fine, that Andy was going to come barging through her door and ask for help with “Herrera Problems.” And when it didn’t happen, Maya usually cried harder. She cried until she had nothing left inside of her. And then she sobbed and dry heaved and she fell apart. 

And then she went back to the hospital like nothing was wrong. The days seemed long and every moment Andy was unconscious felt like another stab to Maya’s breaking heart. 

-X-

Two weeks after Andy’s accident, Dr. Shepherd came in. 

“We’re going to do an EEG to check for brain activity,” she explained to Captain Herrera. 

“And then what?” Captain Herrera asked. 

And maya knew what would happen if there was no brain function. Captain Herrera would have to decide whether or not he wanted to continue to keep Andy alive. The thought was suffocating. 

Maya watched blindly as they wheeled Andy from the room. 

“Are you okay?” Captain Herrera asked. 

Maya nodded. “I’m just scared,” she said. 

“Me too,” Captain Herrera replied. His voice was hard and it sounded like it was near his breaking point. 

The two of them sat in silence, Captain Herrera weeping silently and Maya staring at the wall. 

It seemed like an eternity before Dr. Shepherd returned. 

Captain Herrera stared at her hopefully. 

Maya couldn’t bring herselfto look up. 

“She’s doing well,” Dr. Shepherd said. 

Maya released a breath she wasn’t aware she’d been holding. 

“We can’t say when she’ll wake up or what her brain functions she will have in that scenario, but we her brain activity scans show that she has a very strong possibility of regaining conscious. It’s simply a matter of time.” 

Maya could breathe. Andy would wake up. She was going to wake up, and Maya didn’t care how long it took, she was going to be at Grey Sloan every day until Andy did. 

-X- 

It took another two weeks for there to be a change. Andy was moved to a regular recovery room in the mean time. Dr. Shepherd noticed that her body was starting to respond, even if Andy wasn’t fully conscious. 

It happened on a Tuesday afternoon. Maya had just gotten off work and Captain Herrera has gone home to shower and change. 

Maya was recounting the story of an incredible rescue. She and Miller had had to rappel down the elevator shaft of a high rise apartment building holding three year old twins. Their grandmother was the only one in the apartment, and from the state of the grandmother’s body, she had been dead for some time. The elevators were both stuck above the fire line. The stairs were blocked off by debris from a sudden explosion and it was impossible to get out through them. So they used what limited gear they had to secure themselves and the twins, and they rappelled down thirteen stories. It had been terrifying and exhilarating and incredible, the type of rescue that Andy would’ve loved. 

“It was amazing, Andy,” Maya said. “It was...” 

Andy’s fingers twitched. 

For a moment, Maya thought her eyes were betraying her. Too much adrenaline and almost a month of crying herself to sleep after being up for way too long. It was possible that she was seeing things. 

Andy’s fingers twitched again. 

“Andy?” Maya said. 

Andy’s eyes fluttered open, and Maya searched frantically for the call button in order to get the doctor in here. 

“Maya,” Andy said. Her voice sounded scratchy and hard. 

“Andy,” Maya breathed. “You’re awake.” 

“I-I can’t b-believe, I m-missed th-that,” she said. 

Maya laughed, suddenly aware that there were tears streaming down her face. “There will be more calls,” Maya said. “Better ones, even.” Maya’s breathing out. “The nurses should be in here soon so you can have some water. I should, I should call your dad. He just left to go shower and change. Oh my goodness, he’s going to be upset that he missed this. I should call him right now, and-“ 

“Slow d-down,” Andy said. 

Maya hiccuped, forcing air into her body as she cried. “You’re okay,” Maya said. “You’re okay. I was so scared but you’re okay.” 

“I-I’m o-okay,” Andy repeated. 

And Maya cried. Her best friend was okay. Andy was alive and awake. Maya loved her, even if Maya knew that nothing would ever happen, she loved Andy. But Andy was awake and alive and Andy was her best friend and she was okay. 

And for Maya, that would be enough.

**Author's Note:**

> Did y’all love it? Hate it? Were there any glaring errors? 
> 
> Please comment. I’ve just finished week one of second semester and I’m ready to die. I’m taking 18 credit hours, in leadership in 3 student orgs, and doing work-study. It’s gomna be a rough few months.


End file.
